Family always being there is not always true. I can only speak for myself, but my family has never supported me 100%. I mean it doesn’t seem normal to me to have a family that supports you 100%. If you have that… well then I envy you.
Yes it’s true that friends come and go. They’re not always going to be in our life and people change, but I think this is the reason why I cherish my friendships a lot more. I don’t have the same exact friends that I had 5 years age. I don’t even have the same friends from a year ago, but from all of those friendships that I’ve had I know that I learned so much about myself and grew as a person. & because of that I appreciate every single one of those people, without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I thank them for that.
idk I just I feel like I can’t be myself? only because I don’t want it to seem like im stepping over boundaries… if that makes sense lol. I remember back in high school one of my friend’s boyfriend hated it whenever I was around. he would say “why are you always with Joben? why do you spend so much time with him?” Seriously? its not like I’d try and do something, we’re like bffs.
its okay though. why you so insecure?
something that I just can’t say… probably cause of how unaffectionate my family was when I was little. I’ve never heard them say I love you to me or to each other. I guess people show their love in different ways? but because i’ve never actually heard them say it I feel like they don’t. The last time I probably even hugged my mom and kissed her on the cheek was when I graduated high school, which was two years ago.
& so now whenever a friend says I love you to me im just like o___o awkward. I can’t say it back, I feel awkward even when I type/write it…
so much pressure to do well. so much pressure to do good in college. so much pressure. my siblings pretty much suck at life & my parents expect so much out of me since im the last one… I always hear them saying “Does your son even know what he’s doing in school? what’s he majoring in? i don’t think he’s smart.” Deep down I know that they don’t give a fuck about what makes me happy, they only care about the $$$ like most filipino parents. They just want to tell their friends “Oh my son is a doctor/dentist/_____, he make’s so much money!” status is what matters to them.
& its really annoying when I see people I went to high school with (who are younger than me) get into their majors. seriously, i envy them. They know what they’re doing. They have plans and goals.
I feel like shit & I look like shit. whenever I feel really crappy about myself I have the urge to do something drastic (even though the drastic things aren’t really drastic cause i get too scared) someday when I do something really drastic, i’ll probably end up regretting it because im just trying to cover up what im feeling. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t like it when people try to talk to me. when random people smile at me I don’t want to smile back. everything is starting to annoy me. my hair is bothering me cause its starting to fade and turn orange. im tired of having to wake up at 5:30am for my 8:30 class. i’m gaining weight and its all going to my face. fuck. round face. I want to move out cause my family is too much to deal with. ugh.
I can usually keep my emotions and shit under control but idk what the fuck is wrong with me right now. im like super stressed out, just thinking about how hard I worked & now it could go down the drain. I try to stay positive but I can’t. Just thinking about it makes me want to quit.
& I wish I wasn’t. I can just look at a person and assume so much shit about them without even knowing them. so in my freshman year of college I had 3 classes with the same 30ish people, and there was this girl that looked absolutely fake. Fake tan. Ugly ass grey contacts. Way too much makeup on. She just looked like a dumb bitch that just partied all the time. She was someone who i’d probably never talk to or hang out with cause she’d be annoying.
but she definitely proved me wrong lol. a couple weeks after school started I was walking somewhere and that girl with her group of friends happened to be walking infront of me, and she looked back and said, “JOBEN! come eat with us!” lol ever since then we got to know each other more & we’re like really good friends. It just makes me wonder if I missed out on some real/genuine friendships/relationships because I was too quick to judge…
There is one thing that I realized now that winter quarter is over. I probably will never ever take another art class at UW. If I wanted to go into art i’d probably should’ve gone to an art college… i dont know maybe its just me, but I don’t like it when people tell me my art doesn’t make sense or is just really ugly. I just wanted to say Fuck you, you’re old. I didn’t understand how they expect our work to be different/unique, but still cater to mainstream. The instructors told us not to be cliche and think outside the box, but when everyone is thinking outside the box (& yet still coming up with the same thing as everyone else) wouldn’t that be the new cliche thing? biased bitches. ugh but whatever… I don’t think i’ll be getting a good grade in my design class.
so im always joking around about how when i finally make $$$ i’ll get plastic surgery done everywhere. the thing is, the more I joke about it the more I actually think about it and actually want to get things done…
I know that it’ll give me a moment of happiness, but it’ll probably never last. You always see people on TV wanting to look perfect but they end up getting more and more things done to them.
You’re not that attractive visually, but your personality is so damm attractive, I see you in class working hard, you’re always giving it your all and you don’t care if you look stupid. whenever you make mistakes you’re able to just laugh it off and do better the next time.
Every time I see you you’re wearing your red chucks, so im going to call you red. Red, I like you. you’re fuckin perfect.
lately i’ve been noticing how anti social I am. Before I was always with people like at school, hanging out and studying, but now im always by myself. I mean its not a bad thing but its just weird…
so tomorrow theres supposed to be a surprise party for my friends that are twins & I kind of don’t want to go but I feel like I should cause its their birthday. i dont know :| I just don’t like the whole atmosphere of parties, everyones gonna be drunk and crazy.
Im always writing about this cause its always running through my mind, but I seriously don’t know how to tell my parents that I don’t want to go into the medical field. They’re the typical asian parents that wants their child to be a doctor or a dentist and they look down on any other job, it just stresses me out so much.
I feel like they expect so much out of me & I just can’t fulfill their expectations. I’m the youngest, so its like im their last hope since my siblings pretty much fail at life… They want me to take care of them and to be the one that makes the $$$. I can imagine a huge fight/argument happening when I actually do decide to talk to them about it.
I just want to be happy.